I would rather take a croquet mallet to the boob than tell you this, but 'tis the truth: There are almost no sex scenes in Bridgerton season two. Until the seventh episode, there is no oral, no anal, no hand stuff. There is nothing but heaving bosoms and suggestive eyelash choreography, in six out of eight episodes. The diamond of the season? More like, damn, man, where are my sex scenes? Lady Whistledown? More like, like…I am down bad for a Bridgerton sex scene and there is no relief.
Bridgertonians, do not panic. Clearly, Netflix should bring in outside counsel to conduct a full, independent inquiry and understand what went wrong. But there is a lot of heat in these episodes.
The sexual tension between Simone Ashley as Kate Sharma and Jonathan Bailey as Anthony Bridgerton builds up higher than Big Ben. And there is more heavy breathing and chest heaving in each episode than in the entire Tour de France. Where the previous season was made somewhat less sexy because of Daphne Bridgerton’s (Phoebe Dynevor) total ignorance of sex, Miss Sharma and Lord Bridgerton seem like they could vividly describe every single thing they want to do to each other.
So if you want to skip ahead to the banging, this list will show you how. But for both Bridgerton season two viewers and characters, the old saying holds true in this case: good things come (!) to those who wait.
The Bridgerton season two sex scenes
Episode one: (Rating on the “Does anyone have sex???” scale: 5/10)
Just before the 13-minute mark, a naked Sir Anthony Bridgerton climbs out of a bed shared with a woman who has clearly been following an excellent Curly Girl routine. Anthony's muscles ripple beneath a half-extinguished candelabra. He turns and magnificent ass cheeks fill the screen. Take a good long look readers, because we will not be seeing ass again for approximately 12,733 more minutes. Shortly after this unfulfilling sexual congress (for Anthony and for us), the Viscount meets Kate Sharma in the woods. She is not like other girls! She is a hot and sexy horse girl.
Episode two: (3/10)
Fast breathing. Building toward a climax. Shrieks of anticipation. Is it sex? No! It’s Lord Bridgerton and Kate Sharma at a horse race.
Episode three: (5/10)
Twenty-five minutes into the episode, our favourite rivals have wandered into a secluded wood on the Bridgerton country estate to fetch a pair of balls. SEEMS PROMISING, DOES IT NOT? Kate gets stuck in a patch of mud and he has to try to wrench her out, but they both fall into the mess. “Ha ha ha!” they laugh. But soon, Anthony is lost in a reverie about witnessing his father’s death.
With five minutes left in the episode, the two of them are at it again, arguing in the garden, when a bee lands on Kate’s chest, nearly recreating the scene of Anthony’s father’s death. This instigates what can only be described as a very tender, erotic panic attack from Anthony, soothed by Kate. The tips of their noses touch; they are about to kiss. Instead, both parties run away, throw their bodies against hard surfaces, and pant excessively. Anthony, alarmed by his own desire, bites his own hand.
Episode four: (Ugh!/10)
Kate, once again determined to prove that she is not like other girls, goes hunting with the men. Anthony, equally determined to prove that he is exactly like other guys, spends the whole hunt lecturing her. Eventually, they get separated from the group, and he sort of upright-spoons her, unfortunately while trying to help her hold a gun. He lays his hand over her hand! (To hold the gun.) He turns his lips toward her cheek (To help guide her to shoot the gun.) He inhales her scent! (The gun drops.)